Game Reviews

Breaking Down Online Dating Profiles

So not too long ago an issue came up where it was believed I was out searching the online dating world for a love nougat, while it wasn’t the case it did get me thinking about online dating again, but more specifically the profiles of the women out there. Everyone has tips and tricks to turning their profile into the winning one in order to get the most attraction and hopefully a date.

However, there are many, many similarities between the profiles of women. The key is to learn how to decipher their true meaning, because we all know women never say what they mean unless it’s hurtful. So I am here to help you because, well because I’m bored at the moment.

I would never use online dating, but my sister signed me up so here I am

Translation: I don’t want to admit I am desperate and need a date, oh and I am also bad at taking pictures.

Your sister is a slut and by slut I mean she gets laid on the regular and since you do not, you hate her. Since you are the only woman alive who cannot get laid going to a drunken party you have signed up to an online dating site. You are also the only woman in the world who does not have one good picture of herself so you used the one your mom took of you at the family Christmas party four years go. You hope he will like you for you.

I’m looking for a real man, a man who likes kids, someone family oriented

Translation: I got knocked up at 15, 16, 18 and 19, but now I’m responsible, can you come help me raise my kids?

Remember that hot girl in high school, the one nobody could touch. Well a ton of people touched her, just not you. Let’s replace touched with unprotected sex and you have the twenty something family gal looking for her prince charming which really means Mr. Mom.

See real men like taking care of four kids from four other men. I mean that’s how it works in the wild right? Before the hate mail comes pouring in. I have nothing against single mom’s I was raised by one. What I have a problem with is those of you who pretend you don’t want a baby daddy when you do. Tons of women struggle every day to raise their kids and they can still date without laying the whole family plan on the man, (at least not at first) so follow in their footsteps and for the love of God take down the picture of you bending over at Atlanta fest 1999.

I want a nice guy, someone who is sweet and kind and wants to start out as friends

Translation: I need attention because the cute boys aren’t replying to my smiley faces, so talk to me mister nerd, I will lead you on then Friendship Zone ya.

Ladies, most nice guys do not make a profile where their profile picture is them shirtless standing next to someone else’s Lexus. You don’t find nice guys in the club dancing with six other girls. Now this does not mean nice guys have to be horribly ugly people, but chances are the higher up the beautiful people chain they are and the younger they are the less of a nice guy they will be.

This does not matter to some people. The reason being is they don’t want a nice guy they want someone they can show off too their friends. The nice guy is the sap you call up to go to dinner with, make him pay, complain about how you cannot find a nice guy and then have him drop you home without so much as a reach around.

Chances are the nice guy is right in your face, but there is something about him you don’t like. Do you know what that is? It’s that he is a nice guy. It is not that all women want jerks, but the only women who like nice guys are the ones who need a nice guy personality. A nice guy, pays for stuff, listens to you bitch and won’t make any moves on you. He is safe and a true trusted friend and you will never give it up to him because, it would ruin everything.

I do believe you have to like someone and be friends with someone if you want to have a lasting relationship, but if you wait too long you will be friend zoned and once you are there is no going back my friend.


This is a mix between a rant and a joke, so don’t get all mad. While much of what I wrote in here is true, it does not apply to you, does it now? See, you are different and nothing like the people I described above. “That J.A. is just bitter.” Maybe so, but you have to taste something to know it is bitter, you have to experience it.

There is much more to decipher, but that will have to wait until next time. So until then watch your back out there in the online dating world, it’s a jungle.

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J.A. Laraque

J.A. Laraque is a freelance writer and novelist. His passion for writing mixed with a comedic style and intelligent commentary has brought him success in his various endeavors. Whatever the subject, J.A. has an opinion on it and will present it in writing with an insight and flair that is both refreshing and informative.

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